Thursday, December 30, 2004

Exilic candidate for Iranian elections!!

This is the funniest email I have received in a long time! My eyes are still teary from laughing. ouch, my ribs hurt! You've got to read this.... Before you read on, you should know that this person has sent me several emails, saying that Iranian women in Iran are lazy monsters who are oppressing their husbands... Just a bit of background!
"Man shoma ra nejat khaaham daad, no englees, no amrica
I shall rescue you, not the British nor American imperialism

Are we all aware that Khatamy has invited Iranians in exile to put their names forward as candidates for the next presidential elections in Iran?

I am and so I have decided to throw my hat in the ring and declare myself a candidate to be the next president of the Islamic Republic of Iran, and here is my Manifesto.

(1) As the president of Iran I will revolutionise the Education System so as to make gentlemen of Iranians who choose to join it; for a decent education system must be proactive and enable today's children, tomorrow's adults constituting society, to think for themselves and stand on their own two feet and provide for themselves, instead of looking out and up to the State to provide for them.

(2) Iranian Education System will deliver gentlemen/women to Iranian society and world stage as of the day one of my presidency. No Iranian will ever again consider him/herself inferior to English, American, French, Italian men and women. They shall see themselves as equals to all Western men and women and behave as equals with them when coming into touch with such men and women from the West.

(3) New Education System in Iran will ensure children and adults are able to distinguish friends from foes; will appreciate good from evil; will acknowledge good deeds and promote not only good deeds but also people who act them out.

(4) New Education system of Iran will teach by means of personal experience and will not learn / know anything unless seen, tasted, felt, known by physical experience, and will denounce any kind of learning by rote.

(5) Children will be brought up free from fear of any kind. Parents will be punished severely if they use any kind of psychological or physical threat or abuse against their children.

(6) Children will learn to respect their neighbours and never trust foreigners about whom they know nothing. Having mutual respect for one another, peer groups, class mates, neighbours, work colleagues, and other fellow Iranians shall be the cornerstone of the New Education System, by means of which all social skills such as odaabe moasherat va lozoome gozardan e ehteraam be deegaran e hamnoo shall be taught and learned.

(7) I will eradicate unemployment in Iran using the same resources available to the current govt of Iran; and I will guarantee a well paid job to any Iranian which is born anywhere in Iran and all jobs shall be well paid, and include perks such as long annual holidays etc.

(8) I will provide a home / roof over head for every single Iranian that lives in Iran and therefore is entitled to a decent home. My policy would be Home for Heroes, as Iranian people are heroes and have put up with a lot in the last 26 years under the inefficient Islamic Republic.
Homes shall be big enough to accommodate all members of family quite comfortably.

(9) Free Health care will be provided for all Iranians throughout the country and shall include dental care, optical and care for ear, nose and throat.

(10) Income Tax will be abolished categorically and completely, and redistribution of income shall not be allowed under no circumstances.

(11) All foreign politicians residing in Tehran, as well as foreign advisors to Khatamy and his cabinet shall be dismissed immediately and removed from the Country as soon as possible.

(12) All foreign employees of the govt and various institutions within and without Iran will be dismissed, and their jobs will be offered to Iranians with a decent salary.

(13) Training for doing all kinds of jobs will be provided by the govt free of charge for all employees without exception.

(14) Universities of the Country will become centres of search and analysis on a global basis so as to provide advisors and experts on international relations and domestic issues and policies for the govt and its executive personnel.

(15) Learning of all languages spoken by the people of the planet earth will be compulsory for pupils, students, trainees and applicants for various posts in the country.

(16) One of my main objectives would be to establish an Institute of spoken and written languages on the planet earth, which will have branches in every nook and corner of Iran.

(17) Creating, building and establishing an infrastructure for the Publishing business and industry will be another one of my main objectives as the president of Iran.

(18) All publishing business and industry shall be nationalised and their employees shall be considered govt employees; and all books, pamphlets, periodicals written and produced by Iranians in Persian language shall be published and distributed throughout Iran by the nationalised publishing industry.

(19) Price of buying books, pamphlets, periodicals, newspapers, magazines shall come down dramatically in order to encourage Iranians to become readers, researchers and seekers after knowledge and information.

(20) All land belongs to God and therefore I shall nationalise all and make it impossible for the crooks, estate agents, and besaazo beforooshha to do as they wish with the valuable and rich land of Iran. All people who earn their living via these means shall be employed by the govt according to their skill and inclinations, guaranteeing a good wage / salary to them so as to make sure they will not become impoverished and anti-state.

(21) My slogan in this election will be: Homes are to live in, not to make money out of. And so selling homes in which one lives for profit will become illegal.

(22) All homes will be owned by the State and no trading / transaction respecting them shall be allowed; this policy will be a national one so as to encourage Iranians to be fruitful and earn their living by the sweat of their brow, instead of what they now are: parasites which live off the wealth and produce of others.

(23) Earning your living by possessing land or homes will no longer be possible; since I shall guarantee a well-paid job to all Iranians, there should not be a need for such preposterous acts which has resulted in sucking the blood of fellow Iranians; the culprits must learn to live off the sweat of their brow; work to earn their living, instead of possessing lands in the middle of nowhere and selling it for a fortune to desperate Iranians. A crime which Ayatulla Haashemee y Rafsanjaanee is also guilty of, and should be punished for, as soon as I become president of Iran.

(24) All loans from foreign banks and IMF shall be returned to the loan-givers in order to ensure a free and independent govt. Particularly IMF loan must be returned and all future loans from such loan-sharks must and shall be forbidden and resort to such illegal acts shall be considered a treason, if any body in the govt decides or chooses to borrow from foreign authorities.

(25) IMF and World Bank and all similar imperialist institutions do not have Iran's best interest at heart when they agree to give a loan to Iran's govt. And so whoever chooses to go for such loans must be considered a traitor and his or her doings will be treason and punishable by death.

(26) Iran under my presidency will not be interested in joining any Imperialist institutions including World Trade Organisation, whose prime objective is to suck the blood of people of 2nd and third world, so as to make the big business and the rich in the West even fatter and richer.

(27) Any cabinet minister who is to blame for Kaser budget / budget deficit shall be dismissed, arrested and imprisoned immediately and if found guilty of gross misconduct shall be subject to summary execution.

(28) Under my presidency people of Iran will not be punished for unprofessionalism and inefficiencies in the Cabinet or govt. The responsible member for Kasre Budget shall pay for it with his own money, time and energy.

(29) Under my presidency prices of goods and food stuff will not go up under no circumstances; let alone because of Kasre Budget for which Cabinet Ministers alone are responsible.

(30) UN's declaration of Human Rights shall become the law of the land in Iran. Also UN decration of rights for women and children.

(31) All economic rights declarations by the UN shall be studied carefully and if found to be useful for the nation of Iran, shall be implemented immediately so as to enable Iranians to abide by them.

(32) Iran will be a democracy and so the highest authority and power in the land of Iran will be Majles Shouraye Islamy, in order to achieve the ideal of govt by the people for the people.

(33) In order to make Majles representative of all Iranian people, I will encourage Majles to change the Constitution and provide for every 50,000 people to send one representative to the Majles in order to voice their needs, opinions and wishes and make sure it is heard.

(34) Shouraye Negaban will be advised to strengthen their power-base in Iran by electing their members by means of general elections: so that their existence cannot be questioned by anyone inside and outside Iran.

(35) I will advise Majles to insert in the amended Constitution that Shoraye Negahban is no different to the American Senate, and its existence is a must in a democratic Iran.

(36) In order to strengthen Shouraye Negahban, I will ask Majles to amend the Constitution to include the need for Shouraye Negahban to be representative of all Iranian people and so it must have one delegate from amidst every one hundred thousand Iranians.

(37) Rahbare Engelab or Ayatullah Khameneye shall remain in his post as the highest authority; just as the Queen of England is the highest authority in the UK; that is, he will give advise, assurance, criticism, guidance; and his signature will be required before bills can become laws by which all Iranian people must abide.

(38) The rule of law throughout the country will be a MUST and no one, regardless of how great or small they are, shall be allowed to consider him/herself above it.

(39) President and its cabinet shall be executive arm of the govt (goveh y mojreeye) and act within the laws enacted by the Majles Shoraye Islamy. Cabinet ministers who refuse to abide by this constitutional law shall be dismissed and imprisoned for at least one year.

(40) Moral values will be adhered to quite stiffly; so all pedophiles and abusers of children and young adults shall be executed summarily. Anyone accused of child molestation, incest, rape, sexual harassment and / or any kind of sexual and physical abuse of others shall be arrested, imprisoned; and become subject to summary execution.

(41) The right of people to go about their business freely throughout the country shall be guaranteed; and abuse of no kinds in this respect shall be tolerated.

(42) Freedom of dress is tolerated, as long as men and women of Iran are prepared to respect their fellow countrymen, by not appearing before them in any immodest and outrageous shape or form. That is, wo/men can dress as they wish, but they will not be allowed to expose their private parts in public; meaning no one can walk the street of Iran in mini skirts or in topless clothes.

(43) The slogan Azaady e man dar jaayee khatm meeshavad ke Azaadee deegaran dar onja shoroo meeshavad will be adhered to. That is, wo/men must dress modestly for the sake of respecting other people's freedom not to have to set their eyes on things they do not wish to see in public places and in wider society.

(44) Foreign Relations: There can be no relations with the West unless govt of Iran agrees to consider itself below and subservient to it. Therefore speaking of relations with countries such as England, USA, France, Russia, China, Japan, Germany, Italy, Spain is absurd. For as far as these countries are concerned Iran is a "savage" and "uncivilised" country and they are coming to "reform" and "civilise" it according to their own understanding of these terminologies. While Iranians are a nation which is considered to be the super race on the planet earth. Iranians are the true Aryans, whether the English govt likes it or not; and so, I as the president of Iran will not accept anything less than being the super race, above the Anglo-Saxon race. Iran and all 3rd world countries are indeed the civilized nations and countries; it is the West, American and the English who are uncivilised and must start reforming and civilizing themselves.

(45) And so, there will either be no relations with the West, or the West will have to consider Iran an equal partner and an equal player on the world stage. My govt will not allow any Western govt to get away with forcing Iran into a subservient position in relation to the West.

(46) Before starting any negotiations with the West, I shall ask it to refund, reimburse and return to Iran all the frozen assets belonging to Iran (since 1979) and in which govts in the West have been having a free hand for the last 26 years. It shall be, for the West, payback time when I become the president of Iran.

(47) For as long as every penny and every cent of all frozen assets belonging to Iran has not been returned to Iran, there can be no relations with any Western power or "allies". I shall force Tony Blair and George Bush to respect Iran's Govt and Nation as equals to their own govt etc.

(48) Iranian army shall be trained and mobilised fully so as to be able to face and challenge any threat from UK and USA.

(49) Since Iran is a country superior to all other countries in the West, any attack or interference within its borders, any forceful and compulsory requirement imposed upon it, shall be responded equally forcefully; if necessary by bringing them on so that the Iranian army can play centre stage and show its true qualities to bullies like Blair and Bush; Iranian Army shall from day one of my presidency be brought into the centre stage of international relations. For Iran under my govt shall not tolerate any imperative commands from anyone, not even UK or USA.

(50) For as long as UK, Israel and USA have nuclear bomb, Iran will have it too. For equals must be equally armed, before anyone can claim to have won any wars with foreign govts and nations. There is nothing to be proud of in defeating unarmed, weak and unaware nations and govts. Blair and Bush must be ashamed of themselves because they only go to war with govts and nations who are unaware of their true intentions respecting them; stabbing others in the back, when they are not looking, is cowardly and disgusting; Iran under my presidency shall not put up with such mean and outrageous policy on the part of British and Americans.

(51) Iran is equal in power and authority to USA, Israel, uk, France, Germany, Japan and China. And so Iran will demand to have the right to VETO anything it does not like within the UN.

(52) All cities on the borders shall be developed andstrengthened and shall become known as and amongst the major cities of Iran.

(53) Iranian army shall have bases in all cities bordering Iran.

(54) All borders shall be protected by the presence of Iranian army so that Israel cannot infiltrate into Iran by the back-door, just like its allies in the West, by means of back-stabbing, and when Iran is not looking; Israeli army shall never be allowed to infiltrate Iran via Turkey as if mooro malakh.

(55) Freedom of speech, press, gatherings / ejtemaat, movement shall be guaranteed to all Iranians under my presidency.

(56) In order to ensure these freedoms will not abused, I shall appoint a Press Secretary whose job it shall be to provide answers for any criticism, accusations, allegations and charges against the govt and all mass media will be required by law to publish such responses by the govt to all critics; so that mogarezeen / provocateurs (including Britain and USA and their secret agents) could be prevented from achieving their unholy goals within the country.
(57) Because Iranian govt is engaged in trading with the people of Iran; buys cheaply from and sells back to Iranians very expensively; I shall put an end to this practice, either by nationalising all production industries, or by dropping this practice altogether and allowing individual private tradears and businessmen pick it up and start buying and selling internally, doing business with the people of Iran without any govt interference. I shall do all in my power to encourage Iranians to do business with one another.

(58) Because the state has been in the business of doing business with Iranians for over 200 years, since the English East India Company started doing serious business within Iran, giving back such power to individual traders and businessmen may be too daunting and difficult; or even impracticable. For producers are used to selling to the govt and retailers are used to buying from the govt under whatever condition and for whatever price.

(59) So I propose to nationalise all production facilities and industries; make all producers govt employees by paying them decent wages and keeping them happy at all costs, to make them willing to continue producing food stuff and other produce which is consumed by Iranian public. This will give govt the power and necessary authority to keep all prices down and affordable for the masses at all times.

(60) Once the process of electing me to office of the President is complete, I shall invite all Iranians to contribute to the improvement of economy of the country as a whole. All ideas and comments in this respect shall be taken on board; listened to and meditated upon, in order to find the best solution for the economic problems of Iran. I shall not be afraid of putting to practice good ideas offered by Iranians.

(61) For to-date no one had paid any attention to the fact that it is govt of Iran which is buying from and selling to Iranians. It is a recently discovered fact that the Iranian govt has monopoly over the "capitalist" market; thus making capitalist system of economy a ridiculous system. Iran's economy has been an state-run economy ever since the British East India Compay became a good friend of Kings and queens in Iran, some 250 years ago.

(62) And so, with all due respect, I submit that nationalising all production facilities and sources is the best solution to this problem; and as the only way to ensure current levels of productions of all kinds can be maintained; as well as maintaining the necessary control over prices which are inflatory right now because Khatamy govt is a corrupt govt. and so for the sake of either keeping prices down or raising salaries and incomes to an extent that a decent standard of living could become a reality for all classes of people in Iran. In other words the best solution to current economic problems in Iran is nationalisation of all production facilities.
(63) Right now senior and junior ministers in the Khatamy govt are busy robbing the public treasury / taking all they want from the foreign currency reserves; selling off all assets belonging to Iranians as a whole, and keeping the money for themselves; refusing to do anything for the people; I am anxious to invite all Iranians inside and outside Iran to take all necessary steps to stop Khatamy govt and its senior and junior staff, including ambassadors in the West, from selling off Iranian assets, and turning them into liquid assets for the sake of stealing them.

(64) Right now any decent Iranian must be fully engaged in stopping ministers of Khatamy govt in their dealing with foreign powers, for the prime object of making liquid public assets, for the sake of pocketing them and running away with them. What more can I say, regarding this matter. Right now Iranian ambassador in London is doing all in his power to sell off the buildings and lands which form Iranian Counsul and Embassy in London. We must stop him for it does not belong to him, and so he cannot do with such public assets as he wishes.

(65) I have informed you of this very important fact; I hope you will do all in your power to stop the current Ambassador from getting away with day light robbery of public assets in London.
This is a provisional Manifesto; once I am accepted as a running candidate I shall elaborate on how I shall be running Iran, and give more details about my future administration by means of which I shall be running Iran.

Susan Moeen"


The sidebar image is taken from Mahmoud Pakzad's "Old Tehran", Did Publishers, 1994. Thanks to Jahanshah Javid (www.iranian.com) for sharing it.

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